ashleydaile’s blog

I haven't written in a while.  It seems like the only times I want to write are either when something good or something bad happens.  I've had a mix of both lately.  Mostly good, but then after having a great day, some people had to go and make me upset.

I have been feeling really good since Tuesday.  The friend that I have written about on here before finally decided he was gonna talk to me again.  I woke up Tuesday with no power because my roommate didn't pay our power bill on time.  That was upsetting considering our other roommate and I pay him $300 a month, so I knew he had the money.  I had to study for my afternoon final with no power, and shower with no hot water....which really sucked.  Then my phone alerted me that he (friend i hadn't spoken to me in over two months) had posted a link on my Facebook wall.  A link that I couldn't go to because I had no power.  That drove me crazy.  I had to wait for hours before my power was finally turned back on.  The link was to a music video for a song that I had posted on my Twitter the night before; one that said it reminded my of my best friend.  My only guess is that he saw it and reached out. 

Long story short, he starting texting me that night and has talked to me at least a little every day since.  He initiates any conversations we may have, because I won't let myself text him first.  We talk almost like nothing happened, and neither of us has brought up why he stopped talking to me.  I guess I'm just afraid that if I ask about it, then it'll happen again.  I'm doing my best to not allow myself to read into it and assume that things will go back to normal, because with my luck, I'll depend on him again and I can't deal with losing him a second time.  I need to guard myself, and learn to not be so trusting and open with people, him in particular.  He has no idea just how much he affects me.

The exam I had the day my power when out was easy.  I know I did well.  In fact, I had done so well on the other two tests and the project that I only need like a 78% or something close to it to ensure that I maintained and A in the class, and I'm positive I got at least a 95%.  Another class was a little difficult.  I had an 88% in the class, but to make an A in the course I would have had to get a 98 on the final and she made it hard as hell.  I probably got a B on it.  My last class is statistics, and you really don't want to know what I got on that.  It isn't a failing grade, thank God, but that's all I'm saying.

New Moon came out this week, which I was so excited and pumped for.  I loved it, naturally.  I have spent the last two evening/early mornings with my aunt and cousin.  We saw New Moon last night and 2012 tonight.  It was my second time seeing both of them.  They don't like going on opening night, and I don't like waiting.  I had promised to see the movies with them but couldn't wait, so I just went twice.  I wanted to remember which songs from the soundtrack (NM) went with the scenes, and since it was my second time seeing it, I brought a notebook with me and wrote it down so I wouldn't forget.  I posted the notes online on IMDb for those that wondered which song went with certain scenes.  To me, it didn't just benefit myself, it benefited those who had questions about the songs as well. 

After getting back from the movie tonight and having a really good day, everyone ganged up on me it seemed.  My cousin, her boyfriend, by best friend and my aunt all makes jokes at my expense.  They went on and on about it.  It was fine at first because I was laughing too, but it wasn't so funny after they did it continuously.  Why was it so funny/weird to them that I wanted to remember where the songs were in the movie?  I was getting upset, and I'm sure one of them had to have noticed.  Then, all of a sudden, it switched from "haha, you're retarded for taking notes during a movie" to "I worry about you sometimes."  Because I wrote down some song titles?  Then that turned into "You're married to your brother."  I don't even want to get into that.  "You do this and that and this and that for him...and blah, blah, blah."  It was a never-ending 'lets bash on Ashley' moment.  My cousin even made a comment about how I got a little excited that *he texted me that was mean.  I don't remember what exactly she said, but she was wrong, I just didn't want to argue with her.  Am I not allowed to be myself anymore?  That's when I finished my drink and put my shoes on.  My aunt knew I was gonna leave so she asked why and when I told them I didn't want to listen to all of that, they started explaining why I needed to.  I told them I just didn't want to talk about anything because I had been in such a good mood all day.  They didn't stop, so I walked out and cried the whole drive home.

My brother asked for help with showing him how to use his check card to purchase stuff on his playstatoin after I got home.  I was helping him and I told him that we were gonna have Thanksgiving at my cousins this year.  My cousin and brother do not get along, and he won't go to her house, and she doesn't want him there.  BUT, because it is Thanksgiving and he is family, she told me to bring him.  When I told him, he said "no.  I told her I wouldn't ever come back, so I'm not going to."  When I pleaded saying that it was Thanksgiving and that she is family, he said no she isn't.  That just made me upset all over again.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are the only two days of the year where my whole family gets together.  I asked him if he could just do this for me because it always means so much to me that we are all together and he still said no.  I started crying.  Again. 

It's just so hard to be the person in this family that is connected to everyone.  I am always the one caught in the middle.  It is even more upsetting now since my grandpa passed away this past summer.  It has always been so important to me that we got together, and now everything is falling apart.  People hate each other, and no matter what I do I can't please everyone.

I just want to be happy, and no one can fucking suck it up for one day, or even a couple hours.  That's all I ask for.

A sonnet of mine was recently featured in an e-book alongside some extremely accomplished individuals. I feel very fortunate to have to been asked to contribute. It made me want to write again. So, I sat down and spent about 4 hours writting a sonnet. I took a break and rewrote a majority of it completely. I think I'm finally satisfied with it.

I used the Shakespearian (English) sonnet form. Apart from the last (and only) sonnet I have ever written, I actually stuck to iambic pentameter as well as I could. There are 14 lines. Each line consists of only 10 syllables. Most sonnets have variation in iambic pentameter, as you will find in this sonnet because I found it very difficult to do. The rhyme scheme is ABAB CDCD EFEF GG.

I don't expect you to understand the sonnet.

Feelings in the poem are not representative of today.

Lastly, opinions are very much appreciated!

Relinquished Friendship

I spend most of my time wondering why.

Concentration has become so futile

In the two weeks since you said your goodbye.

Who knew one could feel something so brutal.

So many feelings pour out of my eyes,

They dry up, failing to give what they must,

Leaving me with a need undone, your prize.

Woe you gave, was your dissolution just?

Me not knowing is an understatement

To this denouement, what was the purpose?

Justification for this, you haven't,

Ardently you filled yourself with bogus.

Spotting only false, when fact you foraged,

Something I unknowingly encouraged.

For the last two days, I haven't heard not one word from my best friend.  If you are reading this and thinking, "well, that isn't a big deal," it is for me.  We talked every single day and then he decided he didn't want to talk to me anymore.  I was heartbroken.  I still am, and will be for a long time.  I have never cried so hard over a boy in my life, and he isn't even one that I had any sort of romantic feelings for.  This is so hard on me.  I couldn't even watch the VMA's today without thinking about him.  Lady Gaga, Cobra Starship and "Hot Mess."  They remind me of him too much.  The song reminded me of the purple hot mess cups I bought from Spencers.  I got two matching glass cups, one for him and one for myself.  Now, I have two for myself, and both are sad reminders of a friend that doesn't want me anymore.  I didn't think that I could depend on someone so much in my life.

This is a continuation of my last blog.  

I don't understand how I can be so dependant upon one person so much that one little text can break my heart in two. I have talked to this person every single day for the last eight months, and I'm not exaggerating in the least.  I talk to him about everything and anything.  He is my best friend.  Everything was fine when I talked to him yesterday.  I sent him a good morning message today and then around 3 p.m. I got a text from him claiming "You're really awesome but...I'll talk to you in nine months."  What is that supposed to mean?  That he will be somewhere without phone capabilities or he doesn't want to talk to me anymore...I don't get it.  I asked him what he was talking about and he didn't answer.  Several hours later I asked if he was really not going to talk to me, and still no reply.

       Friendship and relationships are the core of John Steinbeck's novella Of Mice and Men.  Throughout the novella, there is one relationship in particular that is strong.  It survives trials and tribulations despite the strains against it.  It isn't until a major outside force threatens the relationship that it finally caves.  I think that Steinbeck may exaggerate this relationship a bit, as I find it hard to imagine a relationship based on the same principles in today's society.  However, I believe Steinbeck is critiquing relationships in general and making them out to be codependant. 

       In Of Mice and Men, the main relationship is that of George Milton and Lennie Small.  Lennie is a somewhat gentle giant.  He is mentally handicapped, and is too stong for his own good.  He loves petting soft things, whether it be a dress, puppies, or even dead mice.  George is similar to that of an older brother for Lennie.  He is responsible and patient.  He takes on the role of Lennie's guardian and only friend in this novella.  Lennie obey's George's rules and instructions and will help George in any way that he can.  Lennie has this mentality that George will always be there for him no matter what.  When he does something that he knows is wrong, his first thoughts are about how George will react to it and if he will disapprove.  He even offers to go off and find a cave to live in just to George can be happier.  If he didn't really care about George, he wouldn't offer to do that.  George, although patient, angers quickly and is constantly frustrated with Lennie.  He is forced to pack up and run with Lennie anytime Lennie inadvertently does something wrong.  In these situations, he is running to prevent any consequences that will befall upon Lennie for his seemingly harmless actions rather than trying to escape the trouble Lennie has caused.  George often talks of how easy life would be if Lennie wasn't around anymore, but is still devoted to taking care of Lennie and making sure nothing bad happens to him.

       George and Lennie have a dream together, as well.  The two men plan to work and save up money so that they can buy a few acres of land.  They want to have their own farm and not have to work for someone else and just "life off the fatta the lan'."  George is particularly excited because they will tend rabbits.  Lennie frequently asks George to talk about the farm they hope to one day have.  At this time in the book, many people are broke because of the Great Depression, so this dream of owning land and tending to it themselves is a little farfatched.  I think deep down George knows that their dream, although seemingly realistic, is undoubtedly unattainable.  On the other hand, Lennie has complete faith that this dream will come true.  That faith is what keeps George going.  It is what makes him actually think that they might be able to pull it off. 

       In other words, George and Lennie are codependant upon one another.  Lennie needs George because without someone he would have no idea what to do.  He is almost childlike, and depends on George for so many things.  In return, George is dependant upon Lennie in the sense that Lennie allows him to believe that they can achieve happiness together.  WIthout Lennie, he cannot achieve this dream. 

       Candy, upon hearing a few sentences about this dream, immediately wants in on it.  He offers up the money he has saved working on the ranch and from when he lost his hand.  Crooks even asks if he could help.  If the four of them actually could have made it work, then it would have shown a sense of brotherhood.  The four of them could help each other and live with each other's best interests in mind.  Because of this dream, Candy and Crooks are dependant on Lennie and George.  In return, Lennie and George are dependant on Candy because he is willing to provide over half of the amount it would take to acquire the house and land he overhears them talking about.  The dream of owning this land is only attainable through joint effort.  It is not solid, or set in stone, and they cannot make it happen alone.  They need each other, which makes them codependant.  

       Lennie and George's friendship is not the only relationship in the book, of course.  Candy has his dog, who served as his only source of happiness until he learned of the George and Lennie's plan.  Lennie also develops a small friendship with Crooks.  Both are a sort of outcast from the rest of the ranch-hands.  Curley's wife confides in George just a bit, but he is reluctant to talk to her because Curley is an extremely jealous person.  She not only confides in George, but Lennie as well.  She talks about being lonely all the time and just needing someone to talk to.  In a way, that makes her dependant on the ranch-hands because she obviously isn't getting the interaction she needs from her marriage.   

        It seems that everyone is in search of a relationship.  Candy, Crooks, and Curley's wife are all in need of someone.  Crooks and Curley's wife find a friendship in Lennie, and Candy find friendship with both Lennie and George.  Every relstionship is fragile as well, especially to outside forces.  This can be seen where Carlson talks Candy into letting him shoot his dog.  It can also be seen in George and Lennie's whole relationship.  Everytime Lennie does something wrong they have to pack up and head somewhere else, which frustrates George beyond belief.  He wants to have a happy life and not have to worry about anyone else but he just cares about Lennie so much. 

       When Curley wants to kill Lennie for what he did to his wife, George realizes there is no saving Lennie this time.  George takes matters into his own hands and shoots Lennie himself.  He does this to protect Lennie from what Curley or anyone else could do to him.  No matter how good a relationship is, it usually ends badly.  In this scenario, it doesn't just end badly for Lennie who lost his life and George who lost his companion, but it ends badly for everyone.  Curley lost his wife and reason to be jealous and hateful to the ranch-hands.  George tells Candy that the only reason he believed that their dream could actually come true was because Lennie made him tell the story so many times, and tells him now that it will not happen.  Crooks will still remain a solitary outcast in his barn.  George, in killing Lennie, realizes that the dream will never come true.  He will now be just as lonely as everyone else because he doesn't have Lennie anymore.  Everyone was so codependant upon one another for this dream of having land, that when one of them died, the dream became a thing of the past.

       Steinbeck certainly told the truth about relationships in Of Mice and Men.  It seems everyone is codependant, and fragile.  Nothing last forever, and dreams seldom come true.  Relationships are subject to scrutiny and are vulnerable to outside sources.  Nothing ends well. 

Over the last couple weeks I have been dieting and going to the gym a lot!  

Everyone keep criticizing me for just getting up one day and being like "hey, today is the day I am gonna change my life."  But that's exactly what I did.  I have been so unhappy with myself for a long time I literally just said to myself that I was going to start going to the gym and eating right.  I have gone to the gym nearly everyday.  I do weights most of the days, but I skip them everyone once in a while to give my muscles a break.  I do at least 30 minutes of cardio...whether it be running, walking or biking.  I have felt so much better not only in attitude, but I feel accomplished every time I leave the gym.  

Along with the going to the gym, I have been eating really good, too.  I eat 5 or 6 small meals a day.  It is a technique that keeps your metabolism going throughout the day.  For each of the meals, I need to eat at least 15-20 grams of protein and cutting carbs down drastically.  When your body gets used to that, it will start to use protein for energy.  You want to make sure to eat a HIGH carb meal at least once every 7 to 10 days that way your body still knows to use that for energy as well.  If you avoid carbs too much, you use only protein energy and it is very low energy.  In short, that is bad for you.  I can't explain it, but my friend is a personal trainer and thats what he told me to do.  

I cannot eat breads, pastas, cereal or anything like that.  I can't have most fruits, no snacks...but that isn't hard because ever since I moved out a year ago I stopped buying junk food almost all together.  Some of the things I have been eating a lot of are egg whites, salmon, salads...things like that.

I have been trying so hard to keep on schedule with eating and having a life and still managing the gym everyday.  Yesterday, Sam called and woke me up.  She wanted me to go with her to this photo shoot.  Well, she had never met the guy and they weren't meeting at a studio, and to add to that it was in downtown Dayton.  Downtown isn't a friendly place, so I went with.  I ended up missing a couple meals on account of it...which you can't let happen.  When I told her that I would have to go soon, she got mad and starting criticizing that fact that I just got up one day and set my mind on doing this.  She was mad at me for it.  So, I yelled back.  I said "at least I am trying to do something about it.  You told me you wanted to go to the gym and stuff too, but you always bail and don't try."  She didn't say anything else, neither did I.

After that, I arrived home to a screaming brother.  He had stayed at my house the night before, and though he asked several times if I would get him something to eat somewhere, I said no.  We have plenty of food at my house and he wouldn't eat any.  He didn't want to cook and I wouldn't do it for him.  He got mad about that, then he tried to accuse me of kicking the dog!  When I protested against it (because I didn't do it) he yelled and said he heard me do it.  No matter how many times I told him I didn't kick the dog, he kept screaming at me that I did.  Then he called me a bitch and told me I have been mean to him since I started this whole thing.  The only reason he was being like that is because I refused to buy him food, and told him to cook for himself.  For Christ's sake, he is 18 years old!

But I think it is very important for me to not leave out the family and friends that are supporting me!  My cousin might give me a hard time about it a little, but when I said "hey, when I get skinny-er (hehe), and you're like damn I should have done that with her, then its your fault."  she said she knew that, and that is proud of me for what I am doing.  Although Sam gets mad for stupid reasons, she is happy that I am doing this too.  My mom, aunt and grandparents are happy.  I guess I can't leave Erik out, he is a personal trainer so he gave me some tips.  Most of all I am thankful for Bobby.  I think the breakdown I had a few weeks ago ultimately pushed me to do this.  He goes nearly everyday as well, so we talk about the gym frequently.  We are like a checks and balances system :D  He is so reassuring, and he gives me the will to not only stick with it, but to do this for me.  

Moving on.  Yesterday was fun.  I went to a birthday party for someone turning 18.  He is my cousin's cousin, but I am so close to my aunt's (by marriage) family, that he family seems like family.  I am around them all the time.  We had fun though, and I got caked in the face!  All I remember was turning around, and then Jamie shoved a handful of chocolate cake in my face.  I got her back with the chip dip :D  I passed out when I got home...didn't even change out of my clothes.  When I got up to take a shower this morning, there was chocolate cake in my bra! lol

I am off to go to a cookout for the holiday!  I'll try and update soon!

This sonnet is a biographical sonnet about Astrophil of Astrophil and Stella by Sir Philip Sidney.

I can't remember what I wrote about the last time that I got on here.  So, I'm just gonna write about a bunch of things that really aren't significant, and you probably don't care about.

     Wow, it has been a while.  It seems to me that I only update this thing when I have a lot of time at school in between my classes.  That is the case today, anyway.  These blogs are mostly for my own personal pleasure, but I tend to write them as if someone will read them rather than in diary type entries.